Letter From Kelson - Week #93 - Copy Right: Rated I (Inappropriate for all ages)

Good Morning From Sunny California!!!
It is once again a beautiful morning in the lovely land of California! The Sun is in the air, the birds are chirping, it is a nice 70 degrees or so, there isn't a care in sight, I could just fall asleep under a tree and live in paradise forever!!! NOT!! That seems like a great day, but there needs to be some diversity! I would like Rain, lots of Rain! Actually bring on a monsoon or maybe a typhoon, or maybe something that brings lots of water with it! I need some change, I am going crazy here. I don't know what season I am in. I think it is supposed to be cold and windy, with snow and freezing temperatures, but it isn't. It is like June in February! I need my change in seasons, without that I get all cranky and I start yelling at people and then my companion has to calm me down, shoot me in the butt with two tranquilizer darts just to keep me from going ape crazy, and then take a hammer and beat me over the head with it so that I am knocked out cold until the rain comes. It is a very long and intense process, and then I have a headache for at least a week if not longer because of the blunt force trauma to my noggin. This is why I PRAY FOR RAIN!!!! We need it badly and everyone here knows it. They aren't concerned about the water reservoirs or the lack of water in the lakes and rivers, they just don't want to see me when I am angry!!! They wouldn't like me when I am angry!
This past week was awesome!!! Yeah, it was full of Awe! I am now companions with Elder Sabin, we live in a nice member's home who is very nice and willing to help us out in any way. He is grateful for our company, because he lost his wife not too long ago, and was feeling lonely in his house. Now we are there and he feels much better. I love missionary work. This last Sunday was Fast and Testimony Sunday, but I will get to that in a minute. The Branch here is great!  They fellowship like nobodies business. They love our investigators that we bring to church and when we bring them to church we don't have to lead them anyway because the members got us covered. Now the branch is only like 30 members strong in the active category, but that might just be because it was terrible bowl Sunday, in which the Broncos were not present at all because they came to our sacrament meeting in spirit because they knew where they needed to be on Sunday afternoons. 30 members is still really good though, and they all did a wonderful job at helping me feel welcome. We have some sassy people in this branch and we have some quiet ones, but all in all it is a very good place for me to be. There is a lot of work to be done here, which is great. It keeps me occupied and working hard, there isn't any time to slack or become preoccupied with other things, and on top of all that I am within a stone's throw from the Temple... maybe if I was Hercules, but still a stone's throw, so Temple tours are the best! Speaking of Temple Tours this is where the real cool things happen on the mission. We took our investigator to the temple on Saturday for a tour, her name is Amber, she is awesome! She loves the gospel and really loved the temple. Anyway we took her to the temple and afterward we had a great lesson. In order to make a short story shorter she said she would fast for the Rain that the valley and all of California needs, and she would live the other commandments to be baptized!!! Which means that on the 22nd of this month she will be making a covenant with God via baptism and then she will be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ!  WAHOO!!!!!! I love my Job!!!
*Everyone Celebrate with me!!!* (Dance around like a crazy person)
Funny thing happened this past week, Elder Sabin and I were enjoying a nice meal at home, because we didn't have someone signed up to feed us on the dinner calender, now for those thinking of crying and buying me food, it is okay. I have changed the dinner situation and they are feeding us, plus we have plenty of food at home. back to the story, we were at home eating, and there was this big jug of Apple juice, it was soooooooo good. Elder Sabin and I both love Apple juice. He handed me the jug and I poured the last of the Apple juice into my cup and then started to drink, as he looked at me and made some very funny grunting noises, I just smiled and then started to drink. He said " It would be a real jerk move if I just tipped the cup back on you." as he gestured to do it, and I replied "Yes it would be." He then asked me to pour some back in the jug so he could have some, and because I love him, I did as he asked of me. Then we both began to drink at the same time, well I have to slow this movie down and give you a quick disclaimer here...
*Any reproduction of this film without prior written consent from the original writer and all those involved in this scene will result in a slap on the hand and the cone of shame wrapped around their neck to be forever looked at as a shameful copy cat who has no soul.*
Two bros, standing in the kitchen, swapping stories and having a good time.  They clink their glasses together and they go to throw back the drink that they will always remember.
*I really mean that any reproduction of this will result in a near fatal blow to the noggin causing cerebral hemorrhaging and possible loss of uncommon sense making it hard to function in the real world.*
As Elder Wheeler throws back the drink Elder Sabin begins to do the same. There is a slow lag as they are being controlled by the bandwidth coming into the Family History center, Please be patient as I finish the story. They throw back the drinks they open up their mouths wide and as things begin to get good.
*Ok like for cereal, don't steal my writings, I know that they are funny and full of wit and lovely puns that make one giggle, but this is my precious, pride and joy and if you steal it, imagine how many baby elephants are being set free into the wild from their zoo captivity and the total number of times you scratch you head in trying to figure out what comes next in the story. Those things have feelings too, and if you were to break that first warning they would be traumatized beyond comprehension causing the world to desire to be destroyed and my heart to be shattered into a million tiny little microscopic pieces that cause one to be totally and utterly bored from this over dramatized warning of copyright infringement and death.*
The liquid begins to flow down Elder Wheeler's throat and then his tie and his shirt and everything else...Wait!!! What?!?!? As Elder Sabin brought his drink to his lips, there was an appendage of his body that was in the perfect spot and angle to be right underneath Elder Wheeler's glass and lifted it ever so slightly as to dump his apple juice all down the front of him. Now all of this wasn't on purpose it just happened this way and it was ironic because of the comment made earlier. If you missed the comment please go back and reread this e-mail. It was funnier in the moment, and I think it will be one of those things that I replay in my life movie that God is keeping so I can relive it on repeat and slow-mo.
That is all today folks and I love to keep you entertained for a while, glad you liked it. tune in next week to hear Elder Wheeler say "Where my tie at!?"
Love ya,
Elder Wheeler
p.s. Mother Typos please!

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